Why Bitcoin Is Most Certainly, 100% A Bubble (Trust Me) !

If I’m sure about one thing, it’s that the pseudo-currency bitcoin is a massive bubble and destined to explode in everyone’s faces. There’s no need for any technical analysis or comparisons to the tulip mania of the 1600’s or dot-com boom. I have a much simpler, more scientifically grounded reason why bitcoin will fail: It stirs my imagination. It gets me dreaming about a wild, uncertain future with infinite potential. Basically, it excites me. And nothing that has ever excited me has turned out good.

In review:

• When I was six years old, Patrice Fullbright, with her beautiful blonde hair and dimpled smile, excited me. And you know what happened there? I tried to give Patrice a Valentine’s Day card. And she kicked me. Then she told everyone I had cooties. Do you want to get kicked? If so, buy bitcoin. Do you want to be a laughing stock? Invest your life savings!
• A few years later, my dad brought home a toy plane for me. And then the darkness started creeping in: I got excited about the idea of becoming an airline pilot. Can you guess what happened next? I found out that I had bad peripheral vision, and my dreams would never work out. My parents took me to a flight simulator at our local museum, where I got the lowest score ever recorded. I crashed, repeatedly. And that’s the ending bitcoin’s got in store for you.
• Not convinced, yet? Bitcoin gives me flashbacks to high school, when I painted my first canvas in art class. I was realistic enough by this point to know that I probably hadn’t knocked the project out of the park, but I was still excited to show that painting to everyone, get their honest feedback, and improve. You know what I received instead of real input? A bunch of half-hearted comments like “We really like it!” and a few lukewarm pats on the back. Those people were lying to me. Just like bitcoin advocates are lying to you.
• Excitement’s next disguise was political advocacy. Somehow, I got it in my head that I could change the world. In college, I petitioned and protested and spread the word about the causes that got me most fired up. But the nation’s agenda just kept shifting over and over and over in circles until I finally realized that all my efforts at bettering humanity were just like any effort at investing in bitcoin is bound to be — futile.
• The deadliest sign though is that bitcoin reminds me of the night I met my wife. I was over the moon when I met Catherine. I actually thought I was in love. And you know what that evil feeling, sent straight from Satan himself, actually was? Excitement. Mania! It’s taken thirty-two years for it to finally wear down and allow me to stop trying to force Catherine to live up to my unrealistic expectations of her. And now, after learning to eradicate all excitement from our lives, we’re finally happy and content, in a way that anyone who puts even a small fraction of their savings into bitcoin most certainly will never be.

I like to think that through my life experiences, I have attained a certain level of immunity against excitement — a force field, of sorts…a wisdom. Just the other day, my only son announced he’s having his first child, a daughter. And instead of dreaming about long walks down the promenade with her in a stroller, pinching her cheeks, and showering her with gifts, you know what the first word that came to my mind was?

Miscarriage.

But bitcoin is different. It pierces through my outer shell and touches something deep inside of me. It kindles a sense of wonder, no matter how hard I try to suppress it. When I see bitcoin’s value wildly jumping on the news or hear about it being listed on more and more exchanges or being accepted by an even greater number of merchants, I can’t stop myself from feeling hopeful. For some reason, I can’t drown out that excited little voice in the back of my head saying: What if…? Couldn’t we just BELIEVE…? Just this once…?

And that is exactly why we should not invest in it.

…right?