Thatās a realization I got at the age of twenty-nine: life is short and it definitely is too short for bullshit! Iām turning 30 this year and I think I experience a pre-thirty crisis (is that a thing?).
The question Iāve had in my mind for the last 6 months was what do I spend my time on thatās bullshit?
Bullshit
As Paul Graham notes in hisĀ essay, thereās circumstantial and chosen bullshit. The former is what weĀ needĀ to deal with to live like making money, commuting to work, and doing taxes whilst chosen bullshit is engaging in arguments online, social media, spending time with toxic people, etc.
Paradoxically, BS we choose ourselves is harder to get rid of. Spending time convincing someone of the truth of your beliefs and values is wasting time. I know, youāll think of thatĀ oneĀ time when arguing with someone did change their mind but think of all the times it didnāt. Itās also easier to pick out friends and partners that you align with more than you donāt.
Time
When I read or listen to parenting podcasts (Iām not a parent but curious about other peopleās experiences), parents always talk about the shortness of life. Having kids divides time into discrete rather than continuous quantities.
They only get to watch their child enjoy the Christmas magic a handful of times before they turn into moppy teenagers. One of the times will be theĀ veryĀ last time they dress their kid etc. Time starts feeling finite once you have kids. It doesnāt feel finite to me even though it should.
Iām turning 30 this year and most of my friends have heard this 10s of times already: I realized that time is passing by for me too. I knew itĀ intellectuallyĀ but when I turned 29 I got it,Ā really got it. This is the last time ever Iāll be in my twenties, and itāll never happen again.
I also realized that whatever I was putting off into a later date did not magically happen if I didnāt strive for it. I assumed things would fall into place at a later date, but they did not if I hadnāt planned for it.
Iāve no patience for
But one of the things Iām crystal clear on is how little tolerance I have left for pretending and bullshit.
- I donāt want to spend time with people I donāt enjoy spending time with.
- I donāt want to spend time with people I donāt find interesting.
- I donāt want to hear other people mope, complain, and emotionally vomit on me.
The typical response isĀ but rimaaaaa we canāt judge other people, everybody is on their own journey blah blah blah.
Sure, but discernment isnāt a judgment; choosingĀ what is good for me is not selfish.Ā Everyone can be on whatever journey theyāre on but I donāt have to be part of it if I donāt want to. The same applies to people in my life: if being around me continuously causes them negative emotions, I want them to move away from me as far as possible. I donāt want anyone being with me just because they feel like they should š¤·āāļø
Social bullshit
It seems that as some people grow older, they pretend and doĀ moreĀ of the things they donāt want to do, not less. That doesnāt compute for me. Thereās less time left to be alive, why on Earth do you want to spend it this way?
We already waste a lot of time just by virtue of being alive (sleeping, eating, showering). Circumstantial bullshit takes up some of the time too. The mind wastes extra time & energy by creating suffering. The current world never sleeps, so another bit of time is spent scrolling and reading informational garbage. We donāt haveĀ thatĀ much free time left to live our Life so why do we engage in social bullshit (spending time with toxic people (family COUNTS) and pretending)?
You might think this isnāt black & white, but it is in the grand scheme of things. If a friend is going through a rough patch, I wonāt consider them a negative influence - Iām not a fan of toxic positivity. But if someone is consistently a victim, bitter, whines endlessly, gossips, complains and I feel like š© when I hang out with them, Iām a no.
My capacity to hold space and help is limited and I donāt want to tolerate someoneās toxicity seeping into me. I have friends who are going through a rough time but it didnāt make them bitter. It makes them sad, disappointed, and sometimes angryā¦ but not bitter toxic forever victims. That is the kind I donāt want to be around.
Malware in the mind
Iām convinced that I download the mentality of people I spend most time with and I donāt want malware in my brain.
In fact, itās true. If I spend too much time with a complainer, I notice that I then start complaining to someone else about how annoying the complainer is. If I spend time with a friend who gossips and dishes out dirt on other people, I want to pass the gossip on.
It is like a virus that gets passed on. Complaining, gossiping, and being a victim cater to my brain stem aka the primitive brain. But I donāt want to live a life led by my primitive brain.
So the antidote is to spend as little time as possible with toxic people. If I absolutely have to, I āpass outā š I trained my brain to turn off around toxicity - Iām present just enough to say mhm and nod at the right time of the conversation, but the content gets ignored.
I donāt owe anything to anybody and neither others do to me. I want to connect based on freedom and authenticity, not āhaving toā.
Thank you for your time reading this. Itās the time youāll never get back š š
Rima
Also published here.
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