A production incident at Yavin 4

I was recently combing through my old backups and found this parody I wrote 7 years ago when I used to work for a complete different industry. I’m reproducing it here word-for-word. It’s reassuring to know that the challenges we need to overcome as tech companies transcend time, industry and technology stacks…

Subject: RE: CR 088

Hi,

This was not in the original scope and I’m not sure why this is being requested so late in the development process. This will require a lot more additional resources and security, not to mention a deadline extension.

Darth Vader | Senior Sith LordDeathstar | A member of the Galactic Empire1, Deathstar, Sector Five, Alderaan System( Mobile: +9991234567 | Subspace: +9991234567 )Email: [email protected] | Web: www.galacticempire.com

RE: CR 88

I know this is last minute, but the emperor has decided that the ability to blow up a planet (as opposed to the original requirement of blowing up a fleet) would greatly enhance the Deathstar’s ability to fight the rebels. Can’t you just increase the reactor output and feed it to the main laser or something? I’ll help you request the additional resources & security.

Rufaan Tigellinus | Deathstar Project DirectorDeathstar | A member of the Galactic Empire1, Deathstar, Sector Five, Alderaan System( Mobile: +9991234567 | Subspace: +9991234567 )Email:rufaan@galacticempire.com | Web: www.galacticempire.com

RE: Resources

Vader,

The resources you’re requesting are critical to the Large Star Destroyer go-live. I can’t release them without a good reason. Surely you can make do with 35 tie fighters and 2000 stormtroopers? You need to learn to utilize your resources more efficiently.

Wilhuff Tarkin | Chief Troop Deployment OfficerDeathstar | A member of the Galactic Empire1, Deathstar, Sector Five, Alderaan System( Mobile: +9991234567 | Subspace: +9991234567 )Email: [email protected] | Web: www.galacticempire.com

RE: Deathstar Go-Live

CR 88 is complete and regression testing is done. The Deathstar is ready for production (please note that the additional power output was achieved by adding surface vents to cool the reactor). There are several known issues, but I don’t think they’re going to occur in production:

88210 [DS] Exposed surface vent leads directly to main reactor core

89011 [DS] Surface lasers not effective against small fighters

89121 [CR][DS] Need to password protect consoles against access by unauthorized R2 units

Antonio Motti | Imperial Project ManagerDeathstar | A member of the Galactic Empire1, Deathstar, Sector Five, Alderaan System( Mobile: +9991234567 | Subspace: +9991234567 )Email: [email protected] | Web: www.galacticempire.com

RE: Password policy

Hi All,

Please read attached password & security policies and make sure you change your passwords as soon as possible — I have noticed that some people are using “empire123” as their password for the Deathstar blueprints server. We do not want those falling into the hands of the rebels.

Also, all stormtroopers MUST wear their access cards in a clearly visible manner.

Demetrius Zaarin | Manager, Security PolicyDeathstar | A member of the Galactic Empire1, Deathstar, Sector Five, Alderaan System( Mobile: +9991234567 | Subspace: +9991234567 )Email: [email protected] | Web: www.galacticempire.com

RE: Parking

Hi All,

Please do not leave your tie fighters parked in the forward hangar deck as it blocks the main Deathstar entrance. Please move your tie fighters to the designated fighter bay.

Thank You

Loe Borin | Imperial OperationsDeathstar | A member of the Galactic Empire1, Deathstar, Sector Five, Alderaan System( Mobile: +9991234567 | Subspace: +9991234567 )Email: [email protected] | Web: www.galacticempire.com

RE: Production crash (URGENT)

To: [email protected]

Cc: [email protected]

Hi All,

There is an urgent conference call scheduled with Lord Vader at 0600 hrs. Please wake up all the members of the Deathstar team and make sure they join the conference. The emperor will also be joining in. There has been some sort of serious production failure and Lord Vader is extremely disappointed.

Ardus Kaine | Deathstar Onsite SupportDeathstar | A member of the Galactic Empire1, Deathstar, Sector Five, Alderaan System( Mobile: +9991234567 | Subspace: +9991234567 )Email: [email protected] | Web: www.galacticempire.com